I just received this letter from a kind reader.
"I have been meaning to send you a note for ages, thanking you for writing "Healing from Abuse". I know it was not an easy thing for you to do, faced as you were with so many challenges. I admire you so much for your courage and persistence! This is a book that really needed to be published. It is one of the best I have ever read on the subject of abuse. I have given it to several people who desperately to read it.
On a more personal note, thank you SO much for your message in the book that it is not mandatory to continue in a relationship with an abuser in order to experience true forgiveness. Unfortunately and sometimes tragically, this viewpoint is conveyed to abuse victims more often than we imagine, by people who are in a position of trust in their lives. It happened to me. I was told by a church leader many years ago that not only should I forgive the abuser in my life, but 'put my arms around him', tell him how much I loved him, and continue in a relationship with him, because that is what good members of our church do. Believe me when I tell you that this abuser was not someone who should remain in my life, or in the lives of my loved ones. This was a situation in which the authorities had to be contacted. I certainly agreed that I needed to forgive him, but it would have been extremely harmful to continue in a relationship with him, period. I know that forgiveness can be achieved without remaining in a destructive relationship, and as you said in your book, forgiveness is as much for the victim as it is for the abuser, because it is very difficult to move past the abuse if you are locked in the pain and anger of the past. I was angry for a long time. (I wish I had been able to read your book then!) I have since been able to move toward forgiveness but, as you also said in your book, it is a long process and I am not quite there yet, even after all these years. But I haven't remained angry and bitter, and have been able to help others, and that has been so valuable and important in my healing process.
Again, Janene, thank you for going through what you did to publish this wonderful book."
"I have been meaning to send you a note for ages, thanking you for writing "Healing from Abuse". I know it was not an easy thing for you to do, faced as you were with so many challenges. I admire you so much for your courage and persistence! This is a book that really needed to be published. It is one of the best I have ever read on the subject of abuse. I have given it to several people who desperately to read it.
On a more personal note, thank you SO much for your message in the book that it is not mandatory to continue in a relationship with an abuser in order to experience true forgiveness. Unfortunately and sometimes tragically, this viewpoint is conveyed to abuse victims more often than we imagine, by people who are in a position of trust in their lives. It happened to me. I was told by a church leader many years ago that not only should I forgive the abuser in my life, but 'put my arms around him', tell him how much I loved him, and continue in a relationship with him, because that is what good members of our church do. Believe me when I tell you that this abuser was not someone who should remain in my life, or in the lives of my loved ones. This was a situation in which the authorities had to be contacted. I certainly agreed that I needed to forgive him, but it would have been extremely harmful to continue in a relationship with him, period. I know that forgiveness can be achieved without remaining in a destructive relationship, and as you said in your book, forgiveness is as much for the victim as it is for the abuser, because it is very difficult to move past the abuse if you are locked in the pain and anger of the past. I was angry for a long time. (I wish I had been able to read your book then!) I have since been able to move toward forgiveness but, as you also said in your book, it is a long process and I am not quite there yet, even after all these years. But I haven't remained angry and bitter, and have been able to help others, and that has been so valuable and important in my healing process.
Again, Janene, thank you for going through what you did to publish this wonderful book."
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