An Interview with my daughter April about her son Caleb

Referring to the hours and days right after his birth...


"It was in those moments when I was all by myself in the room not knowing if I was going to have a baby the next day or what the next days were going to bring. I was just so heavy inside. … I really am a light person inside [and] to feel that much anguish was really overwhelming to me because it was the first time in my whole life that I can say that I was honestly just anguishing in my heart, I was really really sad.

I remember telling my mom on the phone that night when she called to check on me that every single cell in my body was sad. It didn’t matter to me if he had a perfect body it didn’t matter if he was going to require a lot of care, I just wanted my son, I wanted him close to me.

After I hung up from my mom, who I’m closer to than almost anyone in the world, I remember thinking, "There’s nobody in the whole world who knows what I’m feeling right now, even the people that love me the very most don’t know how much I’m hurting inside; it’s too big."

An hour later a friend in the ward called me and said, "I thought you might want to know what was said in the prayer in sacrament meeting today..."

A gentleman in the ward had been praying over the pulpit and he asked Heavenly Father to comfort us because He knew what it was like to lose a son. Just hearing that touched my heart so deeply-to be flooded with that realization that He knew, He knew what I was going through because He had lost a son for all of our sake. I remember feeling like my burden could be shared with somebody because He knew. As I was thinking about that that night I was also overcome with the realization that it wasn’t just my Heavenly Father who knew but also my older brother, that son who knew. I have such a vivid picture in my mind of the Savior in the garden having a personal moment for me in Caleb’s story.

I realized the power of the atonement at that time wasn’t just for sin, not just for mistakes, not for our disappointments and our worries - all of those things, but also for our heartaches, the things that make us sad. That’s the first time that I really realized that the atonement isn’t just the sadness that we feel for our sins and our mistakes, but it is for our worries, and our heartaches, and our despairing and anguishing moments. That brought me comfort to know that I had my Older Brother on one side and my Father on the other side that knew exactly how I felt and that was enough. It was enough to know that somebody knew how I was feeling.

How does your sense of the eternities effect your understanding of what goes on beyond this life? How do your beliefs support you?

My testimony has deepened in the atonement and in the love of our Father in Heaven and in the Savior in knowing that with certainty that our Savior has overcome death. So on those days that I feel worried, 'what if Caleb dies, and how will I be if I can’t have him here with me on the earth because I love him so much,' I am so grateful for the knowledge that death is not the end and the Savior Jesus Christ has overcome death and that is joyful. I’m so grateful know that though Him my family can be together forever. And for me that’s not just a nice statement to put on my wall or embroider on a pillowcase, but it really is at the core of my testimony; through him our families can be together forever. That’s a big part of our life here on the earth.

[I'm] thankful to have the knowledge that Caleb is tied to us eternally. Through the Savior his physical challenges will be healed and he will have all of the wonderful opportunities that we all have to have a body that works the right way and to feel joy in that way.

I have never felt that in Caleb’s experience on the earth that he feels sad about his body. I know that he is joyful to have a body even though it has challenges and some things about his body don’t work quite the same way our bodies do. I’ve never felt that I should be sad about that. I love to take care of that sweet little body. I just think that he is so beautiful.

I have always felt really secure that this is a part of our family’s eternal story. That Caleb coming to our family with his sweet little body is a part of our eternal story as a family and that it is significant for our family. It is a blessing for our family and that the tender parts that come with it; contemplating if we’ll have to mourn Caleb at some time or if we’ll have to be missing him sooner than we would have hoped.

We really really felt joyful that Caleb coming the way he came is a part of our family story. Even though there are sad parts that come in mortality, ultimately the big picture for are family are joyful. The parts that are sad are just limited to mortality.

It’s easy to take life for granted until you’re really faced how fragile life can be.

Realizing how precious every minute is has made every minute count for me. Caleb has taught me to find joy in every day. Caleb radiates with love and light. Even though he can’t speak with words his little spirit just speaks volumes about what it means to love.

My favorite moments with Caleb are quiet moments in our rocking chair together. When I’m holding him on my lap I just feel like we have the best conversations, we don’t even ever use words. It makes me think that that’s how we must speak to each other in heaven because it’s just a pure communication that’s heart to heart. It doesn’t get confused, it doesn’t get limited in language, it’s just straight from the heart.

Something that really stands out in my mind is that in those first few weeks that we were at home with him we really tried to be positive and cheerful and hopeful. Even though doctors were telling us the worst we still never wanted to not be hopeful.

It’s never living in denial to live a hopeful life.

The medical world would look at me and think that I was a mother in denial but I was just a mother that was choosing hope.

What would you miss most about Caleb…

His presence. His presence and the essence of who he is; the spirit that he has with him. There are also little Mom things that I would miss; the power of his spirit, the essence of who he is, and the sweetness of heaven that comes with him. I have a reassurance in my heart that because Caleb is a part of our eternal family that if he weren’t with us Heavenly Father would still allow his essence to be with us and his spirit to shine for us.

When he gives you something extra tender he also blesses you with some really tender mercies.

He knew what He was asking, because He knows what it’s like to lose a son He doesn’t ask it lightly.

Heavenly Father understands that loss is one of the hardest things on the earth.

Even having an eternal perspective we still anguish over losing the people that we love.

We are all going to experience that at some point in our lives; whether it’s as a mother losing your children or losing your mother. I know that Heavenly Father knows that that’s one of the hardest things he asks of us during mortality. I have peace in my heart know that if He knows that that of course during that time He will be there.













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Happy Birthday Emma

Happy Birthday Emma. 

Your Grandma Baadsgaard loves you so much.

I can't believe you're four years old.

You have a special sparkle in your eyes that warms my heart.

Here is a poem I wrote just for you.

Emma’s Sparkle

by

Granny B

Emma Mcfiddle and Widdle-we-why

Went on a trip to the great big goodbye

In one sickle-dee second she plopped on the moon

Took out her backpack and a silvery spoon

Then took a big scoop and said, “Moon cheese!”

“How delicious, give me more if you please.”

Then Emma Mcfiddle and Widdle-we-why

Shook her head and breathed a big sigh

In two sickle-dee seconds she flew to a star

She made fairy dust to spread near and far

So everything sparkled, even the grass

Then Emma drank bubbles from a sea of glass

Emma Mcfiddle and Widdle-we-why

Floated back home as she waved bye-bye

In three sickle-dee seconds she found her soft bed

She was safe at home just as she said,

“Whenever I close my eyes, I can see

I’m a star just like those in the night sky’s sea.

And when I wake and look in the mirror

My eyes always sparkle for heaven is near.”

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Celebrating Caleb's Life

Caleb Joseph Moody died on February 10th, 2012,

at Primary Children's Hospital due to complications from pneumonia.

Caleb was born January 6th 2005,

to Dallan Richard Moody

and

April Baadsgaard Moody.

He is dearly loved by his parents

and his brothers

Joshua Aaron, Matthew Dallan and Mitchell Ross,

his grandparents,

Ross and Janene Baadsgaard of Spanish Fork, Utah

 and T. Dean and Patrice Moody of Kennewick, Washington,

 as well as 30 uncles/aunts

and 38 cousins.

Caleb's spirit radiated pure love.

He brought the love of God

and Light of Christ

 into the lives of all who knew him.

Caleb's life was a precious gift 

and a tender miracle.

His winking eye

was a daily reminder

of Caleb's deep love for all of us.

Caleb could have quickly returned to heaven

but, instead,

he brought heaven to us for seven years.

Please join us in celebrating his life.

His funeral will be held

at the Spanish Fork Maple Mountain Stake Center

located at

2188 East 100 South,

on Friday, February 17th at 11:00 a.m.

A viewing will be held

from 9:30 to 10:30 a.m. prior to services.

Our Angel . . . Caleb Moody

Goodbye Caleb

My precious grandson Caleb died tonight.

Caleb Needs Your Prayers

My Grandson Caleb was life-flighted

to Primary Children's Hospital early this morning.

He is very sick and could use your prayers.

Creating Beauty From All The Varied Pieces of Our Lives



DOWN HOME with Granny B

People often speak to me about past regrets

and constant feelings that they will never be good enough.

Because we all make mistakes

and desire to be a better person than we are,

we can take hope in knowing

that God can take all the bits and pieces of our life

and make us into something beautiful.

We don't have to be perfect to be perfectly loved by our creator.

Instead of constantly obsessing about our past mistakes

and present problems by thinking,

 "I'll never be good enough."

or

"What was I thinking?"

or

"I can't do this."

 we can choose to view our life experiences with gratitude

and ask ourselves,

"What am I learning?"

We can choose to see our life in a different way

and make something meaningful and beautiful

from each experience. 

I've been thinking about all that while I've been busy creating

dolls,

wall hangings

and hair bows

from left-over or unusable scraps

that might have been thrown away

if not viewed through the eyes

of abundance and gratitude.

This quilt was made with left-over small pieces of cloth.

This doll was made from an old torn sheet used as a drop cloth for painting and an old window valance for the dress.

Small scraps of cloth were made into circles and sewn together to create a wall hanging.

These hair clips were made from left-over pieces of cloth and buttons



We are God's creations and he will use all the pieces of our lives to make us into something beautiful.



Joy comes when we learn to see ourselves through God's eyes and when we are grateful for the whole breathtaking ride.

Science Fair Projects

My children have been doing science fair projects around this house for thirty years.
This is what I've learned:
Science fair projects are good for children because they are able to come up with an idea, test their theory, conduct an experiment, analyze the results and present those results to others. This takes lots of time, planning and following through.
When children actually do all the work, they learn a lot.
When parents do most of the work, the parents learn a lot.
It is better if children learn a lot.

Mother's Blessing

My daughter Ashley will be giving birth any day now.

All the women who love her most gathered on Saturday to honor her. . .
to remind her of her beauty and her strength.

Each of us wrote our blessing for her and created art to symbolize our joining of hearts.

We pampered her, we spoke lovingly to her and joined our lives in love. 

The following is my blessing to my precious daughter. 

Mother’s Blessing

Dear Ashley,

You are about to embark on a journey that will take you to a place you have never been before. Any day now you will have your first child. On that soul-changing moment you will give birth to your new daughter . . . and you will also give birth to a new self.

You will be a mother.

Nothing will ever be the same.

Today all the women who love you gather to celebrate your choice - for you live in a time and place when women have a choice. I cannot promise you an easy road, for I have been down that road. Yet I can promise you an adventure as you learn what it means to love someone.

You might worry about how you will react to the pain of childbirth. I can promise you that anything worth having always follows great pain; for pain opens the door to our understanding. Pain is no less important than joy for you can’t have one without the other.

You might worry that your child will have challenges. She will – we all do. Every parent takes a life-altering chance each time they conceive a child, but the choice is whether you will accept the life-altering privilege to learn the true meaning of devotion in the midst of those challenges.

Don’t try to keep pace with the world around you. Slow down. Find your own pace. Do less. Listen. Savor the moments you have with your child. Create a sacred sanctuary for your family. Live in grace. The great gift you have to give your child is you . . . unhurried and refreshed.

Though it may seem insignificant, everything you do as a mother matters –so much more than you can now comprehend. Your journey will not be easy, but it will be worth it. I promise you that every sacrifice you make for your child will contain your life’s greatest meaning-every choice to love, your life’s greatest purpose.

Love is true power – the only power that lasts.

So join hands with all the mothers who came before and those who will follow you. Feel our blessing, our strength, our compassion and understanding for you - as you join with us to change the world - one child at a time.

Love,

MOM

Faces of Adoption

A brand new brother and sister forever.

A brand new mother and daughter.

A brand new family.

A brand new father and daughter.

If you've ever wondered about adoption - think again.

Are there any guarantees the children you adopt will turn out just the way you'd like?

No . . . but no parent has that guarantee. 

Loving a child unconditionally will change you forever.

For where there is great love, there are always miracles.

In the end, I guarantee that you will be happy with the way you turn out.

  

Jesus - Our Older Brother and Best Friend

Happy Birthday Joshua.

You're twelve years old today.

I hope you know how much your Grandma Baadsgaard loves you.

You have an important place in your family as the older brother to your three younger brothers. 

But sometimes even the oldest brother needs to know

that he also has an older brother that he can count on. 

I love you Josh. 

Joshua and His Older Brother

by

Granny B

When he should have been sleeping

Josh was thinking

And before he could blink his eyes

He got a bad case of the dreaded disease

Called, Oh dear, what if I . . .

Can’t remember the school song,

Or my science fair project turns out wrong?

What if a girl asks me to dance,

And all I can do is stand there and pant?

What if I turn in my homework late,

Or can’t keep all my math facts straight?

What if my orthodontist is going crazy

And my teeth end up looking like hazy mazy?

What if the school bully punches my head,

And nobody ever listens to what I said?

What if it hurts so bad I cry,

Or what if I have a heart-attack and die?

What if the neighbor’s dog takes a bite,

And leaves me a bloody chewed up sight?

Soon Josh was a wreck, all tied up in knots

He wanted to sleep but he could not.

Then Mitchell crawled in bed next to his older brother

And said, “Josh, I’m scared. I need my mother.”

Josh pulled his younger brother in close

So he would know he loved him the most.

“Just close your eyes and repeat after me,

I’m as brave as the wind and the waves of the sea.

I’m not scared because I have an older brother.

He comes in handy when there is no mother.”

Then Mitchell relaxed for he knew Josh was near

With his big brother close-by there was nothing to fear

So Mitch went to sleep and started to snore

Then Josh closed his eyes and sang this score. . .

“I’m as brave as the wind and the waves of the sea

In God’s loving arms, safe I’ll be.

And if I get scared and there is no other

I’ll remember that I too have an older brother.

Jesus is my longest and only best friend

Who will stick by my side to the bitter end.”

Dr. Aubrey Baadsgaard Releases New Publication

My daughter, Dr. Aubrey Baadsgaard, recently released a new publication that she edited and contributed to called Breathing New Life into the Evidence of Death.

Breathing New Life into the Evidence of Death: Contemporary Approaches to Bioarchaeology


Taking cues from current theoretical perspectives and capitalizing on the strengths of new and sophisticated methods of analysis, Breathing New Life into the Evidence of Death showcases the vibrancy of bioarchaeological research and its potential for bringing “new life” to the field of mortuary archaeology and the study of human remains.
Congratulations Aubrey!
To learn more about Aubrey's work go to http://www.sas.upenn.edu/home/SASFrontiers/baadsgaard.html
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/1818954/posts

Isabella is Sealed to our Family Today!



A brand new eternal family.
Joseph and Martha Baadsgaard were sealed to their daughter Isabella today.
Bradley and Isabella came to Joseph and Martha's home through the foster program.
They are both adopted now and deeply loved members of this sweet family.

Joseph, Martha, Bradley and Isabella Baadsgaard
with Grandparents Ross & Janene Baadsgarrd and Elizabeth Cruz

Loving family and friends who attended the sealing at the Provo Temple.

Martha and Isabella

Isabella celebrates with her cousins at the temple.

In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints husbands, wives and children can be sealed together forever.

When we are sealed in the temple, even death cannot separate us from the ones we love.

Foster Parenting Awakens the Miracle of Love

Not everyone becomes a parent the same way.

Those who invite foster children into their home and later adopt have simply found a new way.

Such is the case with my granddaughter Isabella.

Happy Birthday Isabella.

Welcome to our family . . . forever.

This is a story I wrote just for you.

Isabella Finds Her Home

by

Granny B

In a land far away land on the highest mountain lived a kind, gentle couple named Joseph and Martha. More than anything they wanted children of their own to love. But as the years went by, no children came.

“Our happiness would be complete if only we had a little girl to love,” Joseph said.

“I would name her Isabella,” Martha answered.

In their high mountain country the most prized possession a couple could own was a beautiful golden butterfly.

“Perhaps a golden butterfly will take our sadness away,” Martha said. “It has been almost seven years.”

After a man and woman were married for seven years in their high mountain home they were presented with a key to the national flower garden and given an hour to find a prized caterpillar to bring home.

Joseph and Martha looked forward to their garden day with great expectation. When the day arrived they dressed in their finest clothes and approached the gate to the garden. The man at the gate gave them the golden key and set the timer.

“You must be quick,” the gate keeper said. “In one hour the gate will close and you will not be able to return to your home. Return the key promptly in one hour.”

Martha and Joseph walked through the gate and began their search. They looked carefully in every place they thought caterpillars would hide - on flowers, under leaves and in all the low hanging trees, but they couldn’t find a single caterpillar. Tired and weary they returned to the man at the gate empty handed.

“Don’t look so sad,” the man at the gate said. “If you are unsuccessful here you can still go to Butterflies Incorporated.”

So Joseph and Martha found Butterflies Inc. in the richest part of town. It was a high rise building entirely made of glass. When they walked through the doors, a man dressed in a silk suit approached them.

“We have the finest caterpillars in the land here. Each one has papers that declare their parentage. All are guaranteed to become a beautiful creature just like their parents. If you will come with me I will show you where you can make your selection.”

But Joseph and Martha were not listening to the finely dressed man. Their attention was focused on a fuzzy black and white caterpillar crawling next to their feet. This caterpillar was inching back and forth across their shoes. Every once in a while the caterpillar stopped and looked up at them.

“We want this one,” Joseph said.

“You don’t want that one,” the man answered. “Why I don’t even know where that caterpillar came from. It has no papers. There is no guarantee that caterpillar will be beautiful when it has transformed. I don’t know how that creature got in here. It must have crawled in under the door. Come, follow me. You will be much safer with our papered caterpillars.”

“No,” Martha answered. “We want this one.”

Then she lovingly scooped the fuzzy caterpillar into her palm and placed her other hand over the top to protect the creature from falling.

“How much?” Joseph asked.

“There is no charge for that creature,” the man answered. You are foolish to take such a risk. You have no guarantees.”

Joseph and Martha smiled for they could see something the man could not see and feel something he could not feel.

“Our caterpillar is jumping up and down in my hand,” Martha said with a giggle. “I think it is doing a happy dance.”

After Martha and Joseph brought their new caterpillar home, they placed it in a box with lots of leaves to eat and a soft bed of cotton. Their fuzzy little caterpillar never stopped moving unless it was asleep. All day long the caterpillar chewed, crawled, did the happy dance and ate some more. Soon their caterpillar became motionless and Joseph and Martha knew the time had come. They watched as their caterpillar attached to the under-side of a strong leaf. Joseph and Martha kept watching until they both fell asleep. When they woke the next morning, their caterpillar had become a shining chrysalis.

“Now we wait,” Joseph said.

“I miss the happy dance,” Martha added.

Soon days turned into weeks and one morning when Joseph and Martha went to check on their little caterpillar they saw the most beautiful golden butterfly stretching long graceful wings in the morning sunlight.

Joseph placed the shimmering butterfly on his shoulder and took Martha by the hand. Together they hiked to the highest peak on their mountain topped with a gleaming cathedral.

After the long hike, Joseph and Martha entered the door of the cathedral and knelt at the alter to thank God for their good fortune. A man dressed in white approached them.

“Joseph and Martha, because you loved this creature with no guarantees,” the man said, “your wish is now granted.”

As he spoke those words, their butterfly’s wings circled around the delicate creature, spinning in a majestic spiral until the butterfly turned into a shining little girl with eyes that sparkled like diamonds. The little girl giggled as she slipped from her father’s shoulder and jumped down into his waiting arms.

“Isabella,” Martha and Joseph and said in unison. “We have been waiting so long for you.”

Isabella smiled, jumped from her new parent’s arms onto the floor and did a happy dance. Soon her new parents joined hands and before she knew it, legs were flying; all arms reached for the heavens and together the new family did the happiest dance in the land.

Happy Birthday Caleb

I felt prompted to help Caleb
write these letters to his family
on his 7th birthday.
He died unexpectedly a few weeks later.


Happy Birthday Caleb!

Instead of writing a story for your birthday this year I want to help you write a few letters to your mother, father and brothers Joshua, Mathew and Mitchell. 

I think if you were able to write a letter to these very special people who love you so much and take such good care of you they might read like this . . .

Dear Mother,

Many years ago you went in for an ultrasound very early in your pregnancy. You found out that I was a boy . . . and you also found out that I was missing my brain. When the medical professionals told you that I had no chance of survival and recommended an abortion - thank you for having the courage to listen to your heart and not your fears. When they told you I would have no quality of life and that I would ruin your family’s quality of life, thank you for choosing to discover what quality of life really means. When they told you I was missing an eye, thank you for choosing to see me as your precious son and not what the doctor called me (not viable - not conpatible with life). When further tests revealed that my entire head had not formed correctly and that my cleft-plate, partially formed nose and multiple missing cranial structures would make eating and breathing in a usual way impossible, thank you for choosing not to despair, but to devote yourself cheerfully and gratefully to my 24-hour care. When the doctors told you to take me home, buy a burial plot and let me die, thank you for choosing to fight for my life and celebrate each day I was in your home.

These past seven years have brought multiple hospitalizations and near death emergencies. We’ve spent a lot of time in hospital, you and me. Thank you for always being there right beside me when each individual breath was painful, labored and exhausting. I’ve heard your every prayer, every heart-felt longing and each exhausted plea to God. And though I’ve never been able to speak a word or raise my arms to embrace you, never doubt how much I love you my precious mother. There is a love deeper than life and broader than time between you and me, an eternal bond that time and circumstance will never break.

I am so grateful that you have chosen to live the past seven years with joy, not sorrow – that my presence was and is enough for you. The world defines us by what we can do. Thank you for choosing to define me by who I am. There will be a day, beyond this life, when I will be able to say all the things I never said, but I have a feeling you already know. When two hearts are knit together, there is often no need for words.

I was born in the winter, a time of waiting before the spring. Always remember that winter’s promise is the hope of spring. There will be a day when the time of waiting is over and all that was lost will be reborn.

I love you mom.

Caleb

Dear Father,

I know you and mom stay up late every night with me so my medication can take effect and also to have some special snuggle time with me. You and Mom usually tuck me into bed around midnight, but it usually isn't long until my alarms start beeping, I need suctioning, a diaper change or more medicine. A few nights a week I have a night nurse who sits with me from 12-6 so you and mom can get some sleep. But on the other nights, it is you and me Dad. You are always there with me when I need you in the night. Those late night hours when it is just you and me mean everything to me. In this life I will never be able play catch, or even speak or hug you. But I know that when fathers love their sons, they love them in the way they need to be loved. With us it is g-tubes, respirators and diapers.

You are always there with me when I need you in the day also. Dad, thank you for going to work every day at BYU so that all of us have everything we need.

Dad, I want you to know about something you may not see. When fathers love their sons like you love me, the powers of heaven open. There are angels around you every night, lifting your arms when you are too tired and keeping you awake when every cell in your body screams for sleep. I am aware of and grateful for every time you turn me, change my diaper, suction me then hug me and kiss me. You never complain, and though I can’t respond when you talk to me, I hear you Dad. I hear every word, spoken or unspoken, every desire, and every prayer to God in my behalf.

I also love the way you tease me like Dad’s do. Like the way you call me One-eye and let me dress up as the one-eyed pirate on Halloween.

I love the way take me everywhere and proudly tell people I am your son. When you come into my room at night I always proudly tell the angels that you are my father.

I love you Dad.

Caleb

Dear Brothers,

Josh, Matty and Mitch - I’m so happy that you are my brothers. You always take time every day to include me and make me an important part of the Moody boy’s story.

I remember when you used to crawl in in crib when I was a baby and sing “I am a child of God” when my heart rate was getting too slow. You always brought me toys and even though I couldn’t play with them the way you do, I imagined myself playing with them and it was still fun.

I love it when you hug and kiss me and tell me about your day. Even though I can’t raise my arms to hug you back, I love the way you lift my arms around your neck and put your cheek next to my lips.

When you talk to me I can’t answer you with my mouth in words, but I hear you listening to me with your heart. When you’re listening that way you can hear me telling you, “I love you Josh.” “I love you Matty.” “I love you Mitchell.” Thank you for helping mom during the day when I need to be turned or suctioned. That is such a nice way to tell me you love me back.

Don’t worry about my eye that is missing. When I was in heaven, I knew the Baadsgaard secret code for telling each other “I love you, you’re wonderful, and you can do it!” It was a wink. I knew that I would never be able to speak to you with words in this life, so I thought of a plan. That is why I chose to come as your brother winking so that you would always know that I love you and believe in you. Thank you for believing in me – believing that I am still your brother inside this body – even though I can’t move, or see or hear or think the way you do. Thank you for believing that even though I’m missing my brain, I’m not missing my heart and soul. Thank you for believing that we will always be one of the Moody boys and we’ll always love each other forever.

I love you Joshua.

I love you Mathew

I love you Mitchell.

Caleb