6/24/2012

Coping with the Heartache of Miscarriage

My daughter Arianne had a miscarriage this week. She was in so much physical and emotional pain when I arrived at her home and I could do so little to help.  I longed to find the right words to comfort her but words are little consolation at a time like this.

She is my baby  . . . and she is losing her baby.

"I'm so sorry."

My daughter is a brave, wise woman full of courage and strength. She was willing to put her hand into the hand of God and offer all of herself to bring new life into the world.

"How many times did this happen to you?" she asked through her tears.
"Three times," I answered.
"Thank you for being here with me," Arianne whispered. "I wish I could have been there for you."

I placed a cool cloth on her forehead and took the blood drenched towels into the bathroom to soak.

I've never liked the word miscarriage. It sounds too much like mistake.
Every time a couple conceives a child it is a miracle.
When that child dies before it is born a woman still goes through labor and delivery.
When an unborn child dies, a parent's heart is broken.
And now I know that heartbreak includes
brothers
sisters
aunts
uncles
grandfathers
and grandmothers.
Goodbye sweet baby.
We all miss you.





A MOTHER'S LETTER TO HER UNBORN CHILD

Dear Child,
It's been only a day since I lost you. Yesterday I had such plans for you and now today you are gone and where you are I cannot go.
You were the answer to your parents' prayers. You should have seen the look in your father's eyes when I told him you were coming. We were so happy. We told everyone you were on your way.
Each morning when I woke, I would stoke my palm across the place where you were growing.
Your father teased me about wearing maternity clothes before I really needed to. But I wanted the whole world to know. Even morning sickness reassured me of your presence.
Whenever I went somewhere, I knew you were with me. It made me complete. I could never get over the miracle that somehow God and your father and I had created a human life.
Then I lost you.
I'll never forget you. Your are my child. You have been part of me. But I miss you,and when I go out now, I feel alone. I don't see life in the same way since I lost you. I walk softer now; life is more fragile, more precious. I hope someday I will be able to have another baby. But it will never be the same as it was with you. The feelings I've had with you are separate and unique. I do thank God for the time we had together.
I love you. I may never be able to hold you in my arms, but I will always hold you in  my heart.
Your Mother

A FATHER'S LETTER TO HIS UNBORN CHILD

Dear Child,
Last night I took your mother to the hospital. She was in so much pain. I wanted to stop what was happening, but I couldn't.
We were so excited for you to  come. When I found out you were on your way, I wanted to stop people on the street and tell them the good news.
I used to call your mother every day to find out how she was feeling. She always laughed and said she was fine. Sometimes during my lunch break at work, I would walk through the toy department of a store near my office. My life seemed to count for more. I felt like someone important. I was going to be some one's father. We put your crib on lay-away.
I don't understand why this had to happen. Our house is too big and too quiet. I have so many questions.
I didn't carry you inside of me, but you were part of me. When ever I took your mothers in my arms, you were there too.
It's hard to say good-bye when I never had the chance to say hello.
Your Father.

Years ago I wrote an article about miscarriages. You can read it here.

My daughter Arianne wrote a beautiful tribute to her child. You can read it here.

I love you Arianne and Jared.

I'm so sorry.

MOM
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6 comments:

Chocolate on my Cranium said...

Oh no! I noticed she was pinning things about miscarriage on pinterest and hoped it wasn't because she was going through one. It is a tough thing to go through! I'll keep her and Jared in my prayers.

shirlgirl said...

To Arianne and Jared--So very sorry for your loss. I will keep you both in my prayers and that your hearts will heal in time.

Tia said...

It was just one year ago that I lost my little Sophia when I was 31 weeks pregnant. It is a heartbreaking ordeal at any stage of pregnancy. A poem by Robert Frost is one of my favorites:
Nothing Gold Can Stay
Natures first green is gold
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

Chris & Kimber said...

My heart is just breaking for them. I'm so sorry for their loss and yours as well. I really wish that I could do something for y'all. If you need anything please let us know.

Janene Baadsgaard said...

Thank you so much for your kind comments. I will pass them along to Arianne and Jared.

Jennie Brown Stephens said...

OH I am so sorry for your family's loss. I have suffered through 4 of these, I do not like the word miscarriage either. I just call it a loss. There is not greater pain in the world than losing a baby, in the womb or out of the womb. A child is a child. You are such a great mother. What a blessing it is for your kids to have such a great FRIEND in their mom. Much love to your daughter and your whole family.
Jennie